Publisher’s note: Welcome to your weekly Earlywood, a free excerpt from one of the thousands of pieces I’ve written since 1996. Sometimes it’s from a magazine article. Or a book. Or (in this case) a blog entry from 2009. Each entry has been updated or annotated with some modern context or point of view. Enjoy!
Everybody has a list of woodworking books they enjoy and a stack of woodworking books that they shouldn’t have bought (anything with “Krenovian Birdhouses” in the title). And most woodworkers have a list of woodworking books that they wish would get published someday.
That is not what we are writing about today. Below are the books that should never see the light of day. Or are simply ridiculous. Joel Moskowitz, the founder of Tools for Working Wood, came up with 11 sample titles below. Have a look:
“The Complete Guide To Honing Guides”
“Woodworking and Intellectual Property Law for Forum Posters”
“Lost in a Tool Tray – The Search for the Hidden Marking Knife”
“Seven Excuses for not Finishing Your Kitchen Cabinets”
“Tool Purchase Budgeting”
“Interesting Uses for Rarely Used Tools”
“101 Party Suggestions for those ‘I’ve Finished a Project’ Parties”
“Popular Woodworking’s Guide to the Writings of Chris Schwarz”
“How to Increase Productivity When You Have Internet Access At Work”
“How to Make Your Own Folding Chairs”
“A Price Guide to Lie-Nielsen Boxes and Packing Materials”
Of course, Joel’s list prodded me to make up my own. I don’t know if I can top that “price guide” book. That one almost made me soil myself. Here goes:
“$10 Bed Rocks and Unicorns that Poop Rainbows”
“Make Your Own BBQ Grill — From Wood!”
“Craft Fair Crap”
“Still More Craft Fair Crap”
“‘Nice Crotch!’ and 600 Other Naughty-sounding Woodworking Terms”
“How to Murder Trees and Make Stuff With Their Flesh”
“Plywood Silhouettes of Famous French Monarchs”
“I Hate Tools That Cost More than $1 (And the People Who Buy Them)”
“How to Make $40,000 a Year at Woodworking” (Oops, this actually is a real book!)
When this initially ran 15 years ago, we asked for the most ridiculous imaginary book titles from readers as well. Here are some of our favorites:
“I Have More Than Enough Clamps, and Other Woodworking Myths”
“The Woodturners’ Guide to Hamster Litter”
“The Mechanics Companion, or the Elements and Practice of Carpentry, Joinery, Bricklaying, Masonry, Slating, Plastering, Painting, Smithing, Turning, and Auto Manufacture, Comprehending the Latest Improvements, and Containing a Full Description of the Shopsmith, With Copious Directions for Its Use”
“Sorting Screws and Nails”
“Woodworking: Do Your Best and Caulk the Rest”
“Your Kid Sucks! – The Definitive Guide to Winning the Pine Wood Derby”
“Fine Furniture from Wood Pallets”
“How to Screw Things Up”
“The Complete Guide to Woodshop Wound Care” Publisher’s Note: Actually, not ridiculous, and, turns out, one of our bestselling titles.
“Yes, You Can Biscuit!”
“Stupid Router Tricks for Fun and Profit”
“Workbenches: From Design and Theory to Redesign and More Theory”
“The Impractical Clog Maker”
“#!$#&(*@!!!!’ and Other Memorable Woodworking Quotes”
“How to Turn $500 Into a $200 Table: A Woodworking Guide”
“Tool Collecting for Decorators”
“How to Make Your Own Ikea Furniture – for More $$$”
“The Joy of Sanding” (for the humor section)
“The Joy of Scraping” (for the spiritual section)
“Shaker Decorative Carving Vol. 4”
“Must-have Jigs You Might Use Twice In A Lifetime Vol. 2”
“Building Amish-style Furniture”
“Woodworking Step by Step – Vol. 1 – Planting the Seed”
How 'bout "How to Win at Belt Sander Races".
Great freaking read; I needed the laugh. I to was laughing my A-- off in regard to the Lie Nielsen boxes. if people could only read my mind lol, just being nice about it.